Let's just talk about how I'm not cut out to do this

The thing is- I know I'm the only person who reads this, in all likelihood. And I only read in the one time, hence me not feeling bad about starting a sentence with "and". 

This process, this project, this year....is hard. I didn't think it would be easy, but I thought the difficulty would come out of external circumstances. Little did I know the difficulties would all come from that lumpy grey mass between my ears. 

I can talk myself out of anything, including the fact that blogging about this process is a good idea. I, of course, wish I would have blogged every single day about how I feel about this process instead of keeping it all in and wishing this experience was perfect and hyper-instagrammable. What does it mean about a person when you just wish you were IG-famous so you could be done with fulfilling your dreams of celebrity and just go live alone in a beach house? 

I want this year to be honest, which may be the first time I've been honest with myself in a long time. I want to make movies, but I'm really pick about how I want to go abou tit. I don't want to do it anyone else's way. I don't want to sacrifice my creative control for money or others, hence me working at a grocery store. I've removed myself from the entire world of film, so annoyed with the industry as a whole. I'm so tired of hearing people talk about their own movies and tired of hearing about the "important films". I'm such a pessimist and a hater about it all, and I know it. I'm not happy about it, but it is how it is. I feel surrounded with the culture of "build yourself into a brand" and I just want to do the opposite of that, whatever that is. 

I've gone back and forth on this whole project the entire time it's been happening, thinking about how annoying and navel-gazing I've been throughout. There are so many important, scary, harsh and violent things going on all around and I feel like this project is a self-centered blip. I also feel like it's been massively important for my creative maturity, my fears of failure, letting go of my obsession with perfectionism, and processing through my failures as a son, friend, boyfriend, and human in general. I think I'm really starting to see that no matter how hard I try, I can't polish a turd. Sometimes I just have to stare at the turd, intently, and recognize that it exists - and that it's not such an awful shade of brown. I can live with the fact that it just came out of me. 

To catch you up: May is in the can. We're working on the edit, life got in the way and some unexpected and far more important things came up that took precedent. If all goes well, we'll have some headway here soon. 

June is in the mix as well. It will definitely be late, but who cares? This project is for me so it'll happen when it happens. 

July is also in the mix. I've been asked to be a part of a v v v v cool project that I've v v vv excited for, so you (who are you, who is she?) will just have to wait. 

I know that no one cares about this project, and that's okay. I'm doing it for myself and trying really hard to convince myself that's enough. 

I don't have the range. 

-Nick